happybirthdayy. ♡ x

to my dearest baobei, CHLOECHEN. x
yesterday was your birthday. 050600. so here's a short yet sweet letter for you. (:
don't cry after you read this short letter. :p hehehe, just kidding lahh. :D

happy birthday baobei. ♡ x
stay pretty, cute, chiobu, awesome & most important, stay strong, alright.
i'm sorry i didn't follow you guys out to celebrate your birthdayy. ):
i'm sorry for treating you so bad. ><
i'm sorry for everything.
thank you for everything you had done for me. x
lets continue to create more memories together with jane too.
lets go to WWW during this holiday.
ask jane & jovin also. but no ryan & huihwa please. ._.
and please, continue to stay strong. <:
you're doing good right now.
smile more, alright?
i want to see a bright, happy & hyper chloe againn. x
remember, me & jane will be always here for you.
no matter how far are we, we're still there for you.
8numbers away, anything call me.
i might not be able to answer the call immediately, but i'll call you back afterwards.
stay strong for the sake of me, your loves one. (:
don't ever cut again, alright?
and, i love you. always. ♡ x
smile more chiobuuu. :D
HAPPY BIRTHDAY ONCE AGAIN. x

never good enough for anyone.

this's shili.
a girl who will be never good enough for anyone.
a girl who tries her best in everything but there's no results.
a girl who's tired of staying strong and then break down, and then the cycles continue.
a girl that won't be appreciate by anyone.
a girl who want to be there for everyone.
a girl who want someone to be there for her everytime when she need someone.
but what if she say everything out, and people turn around, and spread to everyone?
a girl that can only keep everything to herself.
maybe she'll say her problems to some of them.
only some of them.
and to the ' some of them ' , i appreciate you.
and, because of you, i'll continue to stay strong. (:
and i love you guys. ♡ x
thank you ! :D

here staying strong.

finally a holiday after a long school periods. :3

failed 4subjects for mid-year exams. ><

maths&science, all careless mistakes. D: 

geographyy&historyy, didn't memories all the important parts. :/ 

so, when school reopenn, shall work hard. and play less volleyball. :/ 

for June holidays? studying, revision & volleyball ! x

- back to topicc -

shili had changed. she's more happily now adays. :3 although there's still negative & suicidal thoughts in her head. but she had stop doing stupid things to herself.. so it is a good thing right?

 i hope i can still continue to stay strong although there's still many reasons for me to break down & do stupid things to myself againn. 

i have learn to appreciate every single things around me no matter is bad or good. (: 

although deep down, i'll still hate somethings. but i'll accept it no matter it is good or bad. 

stay strong everyone out there.
me heart everyone. ♡
no matter i know you anot.
i want & will be there for everyone. (:
free to find me, anyone ! :D
don't do silly things to yourself anymore, people.
iloveyouguys. x

need help, if you know me, text, whataspp, call or face-face tell me about it, alright.
if don't know me, twitter- @scarsgirl ask.fm- ask.fm/lovingsmtown. (:
i want to be there for everyone. yes, everyone. including those that i don't know. :D
please, don't harm yourself if you're doing it noww. x
there're people who care. (: me, i'll.. x

photos explain everything. x

just simply tired & lazy to typee out how i feel nowww. :x so, some photos to explainnn... (:

everyone'll break down one day., no matter how strong are you. 

and i'll continue to --->

i'll just continue to stay strong no matter what happenn. (:
a big thank you to Zio♥, Guatshin♥, Shixi♥, Sujun♥,Leonidas♥, Felicia♥ & More♥. i
i promise you guys i won't do silly things le.
i'll be there, staying strongg. (:
if you guys need a listening ears, i'm here for you guys ! :D
thanks for everything you guys had done for me.
appreciate lots. ♥ x
without you guys, i think i'll still be the girl that do silly things to herself. :p
i love you guys. ♥ 

dead. x

people always say " if you put in effort, you can the results you want. " but when i really put in my effort trying to get that position, there's no results. ._. is it me myself didn't work that hard? but at least is better than people that be rude to the "teacher" but yet she can get the position i want. the feeling just sucks. is like you know you already put in effort yet the competitor didn't put in any effort yet she can get the position i want to be.
sometimes i just wish i can just change cca or even transfer school. is not because i don't can tolerate the training. i can. :D but is just that, no matter how much effort i put in, it doesn't make any changes. mayybe is me myself aren't important at all. with or without me, life doesn't make any changes. maybe it would be better for my team mates, seniors, friends and family.
you know that feeling when you want to be dead but you just don't havee that courage to do that. yeash, that's me. i feel like i'm not important to anyone, just a substitute for my friends, seniors, team mates and family when they need someone to help themm. >< i just wish to be dead. i know, no one will care if i'm dead or not. when i'm dead, they'll be so happyy. cause no one would bother with my problems, no one will be embarrass if i go out with themm.
i know i'm a ugly bitch. i know i'm not prefect. i know when my friends go out with me, they will feel so embarrass because they have such a ugly friend. i just hope there's one day, my friends, seniors, team mates & family can accept who am i now, and never judge. (: but i know it won't happenn. cause who'll not judge a ugly bitch. so yeahh, i just wish to be dead. ._. you can call me an attention-seeker or what.

i'm just simply tired of everything in life. yes, every single thing in life. :/ i just wish i have that courage to rush out to the road when one car is coming & BANG ! thenn i'm dead, free of problems. and everyone around me will be so happyyy. :D but i just don't have that courage. :/

stop judging.

why must the world be so focus on people appearance, figure, even their attitude. maybe sometimes, some people attitude really sucks but you can't use this point to judge people right? -.- like judging from people appearance you start saying the're ugly, fat or whatsoever.
sometimes they themselves think that they're ugly, fat when they're really pretty, skinny in people eyes. and people around her or i should say haters will start saying they want people to pity them, attention seeker... it is their own comment for their own appearance, figures right, there's no reasons for you to judge them right.
have you ever think how will the person feel after knowingg what you guys said? no. you all won't know how would she feel at all. you know whyy? cause you didn't went through it. can you imagine if the person can't take it and just self-harm herself? so stop judging everyone.

To Jane&Mavis And Those That're Going Through This Now. ❤
ignore what those people say. i know it gonna be hard. but i know you guys can do it ! it's not the first time right? since you guys can face it the first time, this time round you guys can do it too. (y) no matter what the hater say, ignore them. sometimes i know its' hurts alot. cause i went through it too. (: since i can do it, you guys can too. :D remember, i'll be here. always. you guys're beautiful. beautiful in your own ways. ❤ you guys know that, alright. just remember, you still have one bunch of good friends around youu. they'll be there for youu, like me ! although we're in different schools, but we can still meet upp & talk about it. (: you guys're never aloneee. ^^ don't ever try cutting yourself. don't. if you guys need someone to talk to, i'll always be here. x staystrongg, alright? i love you guys, alright. ❤ 我爱你们。❤

everything changed since then.

i just wish to have a more wonderful family. is not that i'm complaining about whatever i'm having now. everybody around me thinks that i came from a rich, wonderful, caring family. but they're wrong. very wrong. i'm not rich. my family wasn't wonderful or even caring. they just treat me as a maid. yes. a maid. whenever they needed me, they will showered me with care & love. but when they don't need me, they throw me aside. i don't have a father when i'm 3. he was arrested by the police. he stole my mum's money, abuse her. now, i have a mother & a brother. i don't know if my father had came out from the jail. people say i'm very independent. but you know why? it is because i know there'll be one day, my mum & my bro will leave me. not die or what. just leave to have their own world. when i was 5-12 year old, mum found another friend. yes. its a man. everytime, when we have dinner outside, he is the one bringing us out & pay for the meal. but you guys can't imagine what he did to me. when my mum wasn't around, me physical abuse me. i bet you guys won't believe it. even my mum don't. she just thinks that i'm lying. no one believe. i know she'll marry him one day. and me? continue to get physical abuse by him? she can't understand how i feels. i know she has her expectations on me. she want me to go NgeeAnn secondary school but i went to PasirRis secondary school. she want me to go to express stream but i went to NA stream. but at least i tried my best. but she don't believe like how her friend abuse me. ._. i never told any of my friends about her friend abusing me. but now, i'm blogging this cause i can't take it anymore. the image of him abusing me is hunting me again. >< i just want someone that can understand me. no matter is a boy or girl. just someone that understand everything that i went through.
sometimes i wonder why parents can't think how their words can affect their children. like how my mum say :" 为什么我会生出你这种女儿。我生猪，狗都比生你好 ! " i know i shouldn't had came to this world. but if you doesn't want me as a daughter, you get kill me even before i'm born, or you can send me to people that want me. how can a mother don't believe their own childrens words? i said i go study. i really did. but you don't believe. keep saying i go out to play & play only. yes, i did play. but i also got study. i try my best not to make you upset or what. but sometimes, you know when i'm doing projects, and you're there saying what :" 去NgeeAnn 根本不用做呢么多功课，谁叫你呢么笨. " i know i'm stupid but at least i'm trying my best to score well.
and can't parents stop comparing their own childrens with their cousins or friends childrens? i know i'm not as smart as my cousin but at least i worked hard. but you keep saying that i didn't. i know you want a daughter like my cousin right? just kill me lah. and you take her as your god-daughter.
i used to think you still love me no matter what you say or do. but now. i won't think it that way anymore. i'll just think that you just treat me a maid or even a stranger that live in your house & take your money to survive.
i don't care if those that read this post & call me attention-seeker or what. cause i just blog out what has been kept inside my heart. i don't care you guys will believe me anot. you might think all this are fake. because in school, i'm like a happy-go-lucky girl. a girl seems like without any problems. (: i don't need anyone to pity me or what.
just photos of my familyy. 

me& my father.

mummy,me&brother.

its shili.